Into His Head

It’s one of those things I’m always trying to do.  Get into his brain.  Figure him out. The way I see it, the mind of a musician is more like an amusement park.  I imagine more haunted houses and roller coasters, the harder the genre of music.  With metal drenched in darkness, country’s twanged mind would surely be a perky mustard.

And he has all of these; jumbled up behind those magnetic greens.    As I swim through the chaos that is Mark’s thoughts, I can’t help but be swept away.  The emotion that one memory can hold is astonishing!  And sadly, the painful ones burn much brighter than the pleasant.  Through the words sprawled out on a sheet wide-ruled, twice recycled notebook paper, between the attempted hearts of a three year old and the chocolaty fingerprint of one in his second year, lies a whole new kind of reality.

A reality where every day is the newest exploration into the unknown.  The elaborate journey through each 24-hour period must contain the entire spectrum of adventure puzzle pieces.  Like the nearly perfect story in Oz, the artists’ adventures are spliced into carefully measured and equally exciting portions- most easily related to by emotion.

See, Mark.  I know him well.  I’ve rode shotgun for more Mark adventures now than any one person in my entire life.  He surpassed Pug just as recent as the youngest’s first anniversary of breaking his mom’s tailbone! 🙂  And stability is a weak spot in Sir 44’s daily struggles.  And that’s the only time I feel I make a difference in this craziness.  His hopeless romantic side and his good ‘ol Southern boy side clash with his creative and rebellious side with a titaneous crash that Poseidon would envy.  Sprinkle in a little of my Geninotic fun and uber eccentric emotions and the universe a la Mark is knocked damn near straight off kilter again.

When given the real opportunity to not just listen, but hear the words of a person’s soul, you come to appreciate this unique and exaggerated look on life.  Sometimes it is more entertaining than any Colorado kid, published dog or stoned fast food supply.  Sometimes its just an intense migraine.   But no matter which dramatic degree, the effect those words have on the listener’s soul is the real reward.  Being given the chance to truly understand another person’s thoughts.  Their life.  Their lessons.  Their joys and their fears.  These incredibly intense and personal, private feelings.  It’s amazing.

Musicians share their entire selves with their surroundings.  What doesn’t make it onto the melody made it into a bridge on a scrapped song sung two sunrises ago.  These four inkblots that center our shared existence make these fun little jaunts into my lover’s skull that more poetically and beautifully disturbing.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll journey through a gory memory or get stuck in the romance section of brain de DeCou.  Although there are  no absolutes as to where our adventures lead us, there is  one thing we both know to be true.  So long as there’s people to listen, a guitar to pick and a melodic possibility; the adventures will exist and our dreams will continuously become true.

By the Light of the Moon

Well howdy there, rockers! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?!?!  I put RockstarWife on a sort-of-hiatus while Mark took a  mini-break from music.  But, as with everything Mark does, that break came to an abrupt and spontaneous stop (in the middle of the night) when creativity struck.  And so, here I am, back in the saddle, so to speak, alongside the greatest man I know.

So what’s new?
Lots!  Mark’s working on a solo album that so far includes 2 love songs (Give it All Away and Be Still), a Gautier High School party favorite (Sail) and a revamped and updated version of the fan favorite, Ivy; complete with a new bridge!   It’s the first time Mark’s really gone with his heart and played the music in his soul and it’s beautiful!

There’s nothing like the excitement of watching a song go from idea to record.  It’s an amazing experience and I’m so excited to share that experience (to best of my ability) with you guys!  That’s what this blog was intended for, and that’s the direction I want to redirect towards. A sort of behind the scenes look into life with a musician in the house.

I think the question I get asked the most, as his wife,  is the meanings of his songs.  SO many times I’ve been asked the meaning of Ivy and EVERY TIME I cringe.   I was there from conception through birth of that song and still I have no definite answer.    My little sister, Amber, and I laugh about how he took an idea he wrote on a Subway napkin (while faithfully waiting for my shift to end) and turned it into Ivy. Somewhere I still have the very first recording of it, made on an old stereo of my mothers (actually my Uncle Tim’s I do believe) turned recording studio a la Mark.  The first time he sat with his guitar in my mom’s entry way of our Ocean Springs home, and sang it to us, in its entirety, both Amber and I were in tears and I knew that was the song to put Mark on the map.

But what does it mean?  I really think Ivy is one of those songs made to have multiple meanings.  I can say there’s a line in there meant to describe my compromised relationship with my father, as well as a line directly intended toward Mark’s compromised relationship with his, now, late father.  But who IS  Ivy?  Ivy is you.  Ivy is me.  Ivy is every person who has ever felt alone, felt lost or confused.  That’s why it speaks to so many people.  Mark tells the story of watching a commercial asking for money to help orphaned children in Africa and it sticking with him all the next day.  I can tell you, first hand that, Ivy literally came to him, like so many of his songs do, in a matter of seconds.  The store was empty, we were cleaning and he grabbed a napkin and started singing.  Just like that!  We came home and he went to work ripping the stereo apart to get it recorded.  If there is a single person that the song is intended for, Mark has yet to divulge that information.  I truly think each line represents a different person, feeling or situation and that’s how it should be.  Music is made to speak to multiple people, not just the person the writer has in mind.  Which is what makes Ivy a favorite across any genre he’s done!

So what’s next? Who knows!?!  Mark’s agreed to play an Open Mic in light of my birthday (which I was sick for and we had to reschedule for this Monday) and I’m hoping that leads to many more.  He’s not put down his guitar in a week, which means more music to come and more blogs to be written.   He’s started his own music page on Facebook and is planning on reconstructing his resume MySpace page to include just his solo work, as he gets them recorded.  As for me? I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the ride!  When the music’s flowing, I’m glowing!

In My Head… part II

“he done did it again” <— his words, not mine. LOL.  The new song, rocks balls.  It’s unbelievable how music comes together.  It’s already in my head and our daughter is already running around our house chanting the words (wrong, but hey; she tried, lol)!  God, it’s so nice to have music in the house again.  Too bad I’m off to Math class again.  Sigh.

A rarity with the Lisha

… taken from my sister blog; The Rockstar Mom Way

Yes, I speak my mind. We all know this, what kind of rockstar Mom would I be if I didn’t?  Recently, Mark and I have been going through some shit, both health wise and financially (this is no secret).  Mark, well, let’s just say, he’s a guy.  But he’s not typical by any means.  He lacks communication skills in general, but makes up for it in lyrical skills, so all is usually forgiven (and then I usually end up taking the blame).  But meanwhile, guys, you know those that are typical… they just don’t get him.  This isn’t the first time someone has lashed out at him and I’ve lashed back.  I’m a Mama bear, what can I say?  What sucks is NO ONE and when I say this, I often fear that I’m even including myself here (and I definitely would include Mark in this category)… NO ONE knows Mark, so if you don’t know someone, it’s my general stance that you have no right to judge them.  So when ultimatums are presented and mouths are ran publicly, I tend to get a little annoyed.  Even more so when the shit we have been dealing with is far more pressing than missing a week of band practices for a band that is not even gigging yet.  And EVEN more so when I’m in excruciating pain and our kids are going without shit kids shouldn’t have to go without,  so we can pay tuition and rent.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Mark’s music.  Mark’s even gone as far as saying  I’ve been Mark’s driving force this past year, especially when it comes to his music.  I’m the one pushing for him to play, I’m the one who posted the Craigslist ad and convinced Mark to listen to Andrew’s music. I’m the one that BEGGED him to PLEASE do something he loved so he could just LOVE again (if you know an artist, you know this feeling!).   But, in doing so, my main point to him, especially with these guys, were that they were all GOOD guys. So when they started to be not so good… I was not so happy.  But you know what? I’m a bitch too when Mark doesn’t respond to me.  And it happens FAR more often than it should. (but in fairness, Andrew, I did warn you!)  But honestly,  I was getting it from all sides guys! Trying to convince Mark that he’s not selfish for being in this band while we were going through this hard time. Then trying to convince him that I would be ok enough for him to physically go to practice. Getting emails from all the band guys and blamed for his lack of communication (this is not the first time I’ve been blamed for his shit… I’m used to that though, especially since he doesn’t mind the blame being placed on me, uh hum… SLATE 44 and FREIGHT, lol, although I still have a place in my heart for Freight!) Then came the dumb macho guy shit (and face it, it was dumb macho guy shit) and it took us back to square one.  BUT… I’m going to do something that I rarely do, and surely don’t do publicly.  I’m going to apologize. Mainly, for not returning emails myself. This is not me, and I think y’all know that. But this was not the normal run of the mill month either.

Just thought I’d post it here, since it’s more relative to this blog… that is all for now. 🙂

Home

“I force myself through another day
Can’t explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can’t accept this all because of you I’ve had to walk away
From everything
I’m afraid to be alone”

Its so sad when people turn out to be the very thing you believed they stood against.  When you put faith and trust that what they say is how they feel and how they feel is what they say.  And come to find out, the moment you need them the most, they are the very thing that made you need them in the first place.  If you’ve  ever been in this position, the statement won’t be a confusing ramble of a 26 year old with  ribs to spare at nearly 2 in the morning, but rather more of a gentle hand grasping yours in understanding.

Sometimes people just need time.  Sometimes life gets to be too much and it may not even seem like that much in comparison to {enter anything that would be preceded with the words, “it could be worse}, but to them, it’s too much.  It’s during that time that you find one’s true intentions.  Their true identities.  Immaturity and jealousy bubble to the top of their personality.  And impatience takes over them like an addictive drug.  Or it doesn’t.  You pray for the latter, but unfortunately, more times than not, God isn’t able to oblige.  And so it is done.  Not only do you feel like you’re drowning in familiar waters, but now you have the additional let down, drenched in regret and heartache.

What makes someone put their feelings of insecurity and fear of the unknown before those of a person who is clearly hurting?  Does it really make someone feel better to hear every depressing detail of another person’s feelings?  To the point where ultimatums and hateful words have to be exchanged.  Simply because someone is not ready to share.  Could it possibly be that the person isn’t clear on their feelings?  Could it possibly be that there is an abundance of problems, none of which could be solved through communication? And then when communication is attempted, the demand increases. It is precisely this sort of behavior that merited the lack of communication in the first place.

But where does this leave us?  Alone.  Afraid to go back “home”.  Once place of refuge, a creative environment intended to be a safe haven in which to express one’s feelings without judgment, scrutiny or need for explanation, becomes  the very place you originally were running from.  It’s a sad realization.  But so long as the knight has firm grasp on an angel, and that angel returns the favor, life will continue to spin it’s confusing web and hopefully jealousy and inconsiderate demands will fade into lessons learned.

“Afraid you’ll leave me when I’m gone
I’m afraid to come back home
Another sleepless night again
Hotel room my only friend and friends like that just don’t add up
To anything
And I try so hard to be
Everything that I could never take away from you again
I heard you say
I cannot forget
I live with regret
I live through this
I can’t see through this
I can’t do this anymore”

-Home by Staind

Fire!

So, I totally thought I blogged about the new band, I get caught up with The Rockstar Mom Way and forget to post things here too.. which totally sucks, because I consider this my “grown up” blog… and we all know how much I loooove being a grown up! LOL!

So, 44 Times Wiser has a metal god guitarist named Andrew, a badass drummer named Justin and the sexiest singer ever (I know, I’m partial!), Mark.  They now have 3 songs up, but at last count, I think it was 4 more (maybe 3) to be recorded and ready to go up once they’re copywritten.

The latest of which, Mark took a totally unique approach.  At first, he tried writing it from my perspective (he even said he was me mad at him) but it slowly morphed into a  badass song about every ex anyone has ever, will ever or could ever had!  Trust me… you’ll love it!  But you’ll have to “fan” or “friend” them and check back often to hear it… I know, I’m a bitch huh… it’s not even recorded yet!  But it’s worth the wait, I swear.

44 Times Wiser Facebook

44 Times Wiser Myspace

I miss this blog.  Fells nice to say “fuck” or “Shit” without having to add #$% or *!!!! LOL!

❤ ❤ ❤

I’m confused…. aren’t you already married?

Believe it or not, I’ve heard this so many times over the past 5 years.  Mark and I have contemplated several different ways that we would handle the topic of our divorce and re-marriage.  We’ve talked about leaving our “bad years” behind and never mentioning them again… that didn’t work. It’s extremely hard to just leave out 5 years of experiences, friends and lessons.  We’ve talked about just acting like we were “separated by miles”, which in my heart (and although I can’t speak for him, I truly believe he feels the same way) that was the case, it’s not a whole truth.  When it came down to it honestly, the truth is easiest, most romantic and real.

We got married in 2000 at the age of 17 (me) and 18 years old (him).  We were 7 months pregnant with our son, Johnathan. We had N O   CLUE what we were doing.  But we knew love. We truly did.  Magical kind of love, like with Batman and faeries and stars and moonlight.  But, jealous friends (bandmates), teenage fears and life changed all that in matter of months.  Mark left me and Johnathan. After a brief reconciliation and a new pregnancy, it was clear it was really over.

Fast forward 5 years. Katrina hit.  Life sucked. And then Mark came home.  Ryan was 4 and Johnathan had JUST turned 5.  Almost immediately our hearts melted together again and we were a family.  We had our re-marriage ceremony 6 days before his 25 birthday.

The funnest thing was EVERYTIME we talked about our wedding, even to family, we got the same response, “aren’t you already married”?  It became a joke that we would get married every 5 years… honestly I said 5 because I felt like that IS when we got married, when he came home.   About 2 months after our ceremony, I found the greatest website in the world; Offbeat Bride, and I longed for another wedding.  Jokingly, I told Mark, “in our next wedding, I want to just do it, wear a black wedding dress, because I felt like Barbie in that white one”.

His response, “I promise”.  I looked at him and we both started laughing.  “We are one of a kind, baby,” he said, “why not throw a huge party… hell, make it a wedding, every 5 years like we said”.

And so it is so.  Every 5 years, we will throw the biggest, most unique and elaborate party our budget provides.  Celebrating love, celebrating unity and uniqueness and allowing our rebellious sides, the ones that make our life so fun, to shine through!

Originally, I planned a “doomsday” wedding on December 21, 2012, but am now leaning toward a April 4, 2012 wedding (sticking with his 4-4 obsession).  We’re going to have a green and black theme with skulls and clovers… it’s going to rock socks… and it’s uniquely us!

The Rockstar Mom Way

It appears I have not announced my other blog, “The Rockstar Mom Way” to my faithful Rockstar Wife followers! LOL.   The most rewarding moments of my life have been as a Mom.  My blog has been featured on Offbeat Mama and is part of Mom Blogs and The Mom Blog Network!  The trials and tribulations of parenting, homeschooling and life as a Mom are all featured there.  🙂

It is virtually impossible to get a shot where noone's eyes are closed and everyone is smiling! LOL!

You can take the man out of music…

But you can never take the music out of the man.  Don’t dare try.  Music is one of those things that becomes a part of you. It can be something so vital as a finger or easily forgotten as an eyelash, but it’s there… a smaller part of the whole picture.

When I met Mark, I met “the singer”.  As in “you HAVE to meet the singer“, and “you’ll just love the singer” (how did they know??)!  When I fell in love, I fell in love with the singer.  For a lot of years, I didn’t know how to express that without sounding like I was a fame whore or only in love with a persona that was glorified by adolescent dreams.  But as I grow older, and take a deeper look into myself, I have lost those fears and found a way to explain what I mean.

As a musician, be it a drummer, guitarist, pianist…or singer, you put a part of you into your art.  For many, it’s a place to put the hurt, the anger; the negative ‘parts’.  It is a way to heal, a way to move on.

When you take that away from the musician, they have to find a new place for those emotions.  And when they are truly in love with their surroundings, this can become quite difficult.

I blog.  You guys get my PMS emotional days; both the good and the bad.  You get my feelings so that I don’t have to bombard my husband and my children with them.  Mark sings.  He writes songs.  He puts his emotions into his music so that he can deal with those emotions.  Especially when they’re emotions that are confusing or conflicting with other emotions.  You don’t want that spilling into your family.

Recently, not one, not two, but three separate family members have commented on Mark’s music being a negative force in our family.  What blows my mind is how far from fact they are… and how many times I’ve already told them otherwise.

So here it is… once and for all.  The negative forces in our family have been years and years of un-dealt with and bent up anger, pain, fear and guilt.  Memories of childhood dreams torn to shreds.  Fears of the unknown. Bad decisions made from lack of understanding.   And most of all, lack of communication.

It is no secret that Mark and I spent several years apart, divorced, before our souls found their way back home.  Music didn’t do that.  On the surface, it may seem so.  After all, that’s when Slate44 reached it’s peak of “fame”.  But the truth is, Mark’s father passed away.  We were 17 and 18 years old! We come from VERY different backgrounds, have VERY different methods of expressing ourselves and are had VERY different ideals at the time.  We had a little boy when we were still not grown yet… no where close to it… and another one on the way.  We didn’t know HOW to love.  How to communicate…or even how important it was to do so.  Music didn’t divorce us.  Mark and I didn’t even know what a marriage was then.  Music, actually, kept us both sane and drove us to choose to live rather than die… on many occasions… and I credit it for our re-uniting just 3 short years after our separation.

Music is the ground we walk on.  Music is the air we breathe.  Music is the water we bathe in and drink to hydrate our souls…  it is the positive force in Mark’s life.  It is the thing that makes him tick… and he is the thing that makes us tick!

So, no, I am NOT afraid of Mark’s music.  No, I do not think it is in ANYWAY bad.  I am the one who pushes for his music. I am the one who begged him  not to give up when Slate44 ripped him off…again. (You selfish, fucking cowards!)

I ❤ his music because I ❤ him.  And without his music, he wouldn’t be him!  There is not one person in this family, from myself, down to Aleya, (and surely Lyrik will feel the same) that would not give up every possession we own, every luxury we enjoy and every single thing we love to help him achieve his music goals.  We believe in him that much!

Mark, I love you my baby.  I believe in you and your art and I will never let you down or let you fall.  You are my everything, my hero, my Knight…

What wives REALLY think about band practice

Yeah, at first, we may bitch, we may fuss a little, but deep down inside, we get it.

We spend hours telling our kids how “practice makes perfect” and convincing them that those 40 math problems will really help them in the long run, so we totally get that you need to practice.  And remember, we live with you.  So whether it’s the hundred hours of flubbed lyrics or hundred hours of wrong notes we have endured, we know you need it!

Thing is, it’s all about a schedule.  Keep a schedule and it’s beautiful for the both of us!  Don’t keep a schedule and change plans last-minute, or, say, decide to have band practice on your ANNIVERSARY when ALL day your wife  been waiting to see what surprise you have planned, only to figure out half way through the day that you forgot… yeah, your ass won’t be getting out of that one anytime soon … and it’s not so beautiful!

So, let’s review… Band practice+schedule=beautiful… band practice+last minute=Not so much! AND MEMORIZE YOUR ANNIVERSARY(or ANNIVERSARIES, LOL)!!!!!

DISCLAIMER:  We do have 3 wedding anniversaries, Sooo even though I give Mark a hard time about forgetting, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds!  AND this blog was started in November of 2008… I found it in my drafts  when Spring cleaning Blogger.com and thought it was good enough to post here.  🙂